I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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