Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
