Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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