Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
