the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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