Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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