Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
