Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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