Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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