just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
