I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
