Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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