hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Come share oat with me in your robe
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
