Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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