so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.