Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
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Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
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she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night