There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
