did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
