some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
