just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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