i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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