Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
