So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
