I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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