I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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