She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
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You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just forgot I was standing up.
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