I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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