Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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