So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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