Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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