I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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