i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
