I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
