You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Is Oprah even human
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
