i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
