It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
