What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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