Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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