He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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