It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
