seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
