Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
