"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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