Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
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i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
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I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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