I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
