my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
