Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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