someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
