Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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