I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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