Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
