How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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