You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
