I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
