3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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