She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
